You know what’s crazy? I have written several posts here, a few great and a few that are simply rambling thoughts… but I haven’t been publishing them. While I love the recipes, the DIY’s, home decor and trending products, the core of my blog always goes back to my words. I write to express myself. I write to get things out of my head. I write because it helps me feel better. But I don’t always share it with you.
A family friend, who knows nothing about my blog, told my mom that when he was praying a couple of weeks ago, he clearly felt like God was telling him to tell me that I need to write. Write for me. Write for others. Write for Lorelei. It didn’t matter, I just needed to write.
Tonight, as I scramble to get my life back to some sort of semblance of a life I once again recognize, I realize that I have been writing more and publishing less. So maybe I should click that publish button and let things fly out into cyberspace. Maybe that is one of the first steps toward finding myself again.
Gals and guys, having a baby is tough. Having a baby with special needs (notice I didn’t say a special needs baby!) is even more difficult. So, since I have left y’all in the dark, let’s catch up. Where are we and are how we surviving this adventure!
Lorelei is doing well. She is growing. Boy is she growing! Her calorie intake has been cut back because she was gaining about an ounce and a half per day! Our tiny little nicu baby, who looked like a drowning rat the first day I met her, now has so many rolls you could hide pennies in her folds. (To be fair, both Michael and I were chunky as babies… heck, I’m still chunky… apple doesn’t fall far I suppose!) As a mito baby, she has sleepy days and awake days. Some days she babbles, some days she doesn’t feel like it. Every now and then she will take a few sips from a bottle but at this point she is 97% fed via g-tube. She is 6 days away from being 6 months old. Six months of growing, fighting and pure badassness on her part. Six months of proving them wrong and surprising the doctors who thought she would never leave the NICU.
How am I? Like I said, I am struggling to find myself. At 6 months into this adventure and I feel like I am finally starting to get over the PTSD of the NICU… and beginning to navigate through postpartum depression and anxiety. Finding joy is hard when your life, plans and dreams have been turned upside down. I still cry myself to sleep on occasion. But not because I’m sad about how my daughter “turned out.” I think cry because, in addition to simply feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, I am mourning the loss of the innocent, happy Suz I used to know. I liked her. She wasn’t jaded. She wasn’t numb.
That being said, I know I am processing and growing because I am finally at a point where cannot imagine my life any other way. I have tried. Trust me, I’ve tried so many times. But if life had gone as planned, with a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby with a normal life expectancy, I don’t know if I would appreciate things like the slightest babble or the weeble wobble of her head. If life had gone as planned, would some of my closest friends have gone missing in my life? If life had gone as planned, I wouldn’t have a handful of folks that I’ve met through the NICU, therapies or doctors, who have stepped up and stepped in as my support system where many friends have stepped back. I’m thankful and I absolutely adore my daughter and all of her quirks.
Enough rambling. I have a few older posts that I have written and saved – that maybe one day I will share. Maybe they will help other moms who are navigating through NICU life, postpartum depression and anxiety, or having a baby with extra special needs… but right now, those posts need to stay private. But coming up soon (because apparently Jesus wants me to write, share and create again) I have a confessions series I want to start, I have recipes I need to share, I strung y’all along with our house updates all last year so how about I show you a few of the finalized rooms?? I also have some big collaborations and business ventures to share with you! Are you okay if we keep things light, but trickle in some wordy posts here and there that may have been typed up on a keyboard covered in salty tears? Good, because it’s my blog so it’s my rules! 😛