Let me preface this post by saying I am not writing this to drag you lovely, care-free readers into the gray cloud with me on this sunny day. I am writing because I need some time to vent and ponder. Today I am writing for myself.
Have you ever been stuck in a spot and you have absolutely no clue what to do? I am finding myself in one of those moments. A moment when everything should be peachy, yet I am just struggling to be happy and actually enjoy this phase of my life for what it is. So much so, I spent parts of Sunday crying because I was jealous of the gardens we built at my boyfriend’s house. Pathetic right?!
Facebook is killing me slowly. I have thought about boycotting it until I sort through the crap in my head. I am going to be 28 years old in 3 months. At this point I am pretty much the minority on facebook because I am not posting pictures and videos of weddings and children. Remember those days, years ago, when people posted pictures of their new puppies? Yeah. I miss those days. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for my friends and all the beauty in their lives right now. Sometimes it’s just tough.
I am still struggling with my house drama. I need to refinance my townhouse or sell it. Either way, it is going to cost me money. I am also yearning for a home that will feel like a forever home. I grew up in one house. We never moved. I am not the kind of person who knows what it’s like to move. I am the person who knows how to feel settled. Just like my father. Sounds crazy right? When I bought this house, I always figured it was a temporary thing. And that one day I would turn it into a rental property or sell it. It’s not a huge house. For someone who works from home, it’s perfect for one person and some pets. But I have a roomie. A roomie that I love. She has become one of my best friends. I never ever want to lose her. But when I wake up in the morning, roll out of bed, and stand in front of my desk, that is right next to the kitty litter box, that is right next to my bicycle… I need more space. I never figured I would be here for more than 5 years after purchasing it (at 22 years old) wondering when my life would actually start. Wondering when I would get a good night’s sleep without the sounds and smells of cats in a litter box would be.
There is a part of me who wants to be settled. Who wants to have a constant in her life. Who wants to “live the American dream.” Who wants to feel accomplished. And then there is a part of me who thinks “to hell with it all!” (I try to control that side of me as much as possible. She’s a dreamer and gets a bit unruly at times.) But that rebellious side of me would love to pack my bags (and my pets and Michael) and just go away for a little while. Go to Switzerland to live with family and travel. Go to Africa to help at an orphanage. Go to sit on a warm quiet beach somewhere, for just an hour or two… have a break from reality, then go home.
I just feel like I am stuck in a muddle. I am almost 28 years old. I am single, meaning unmarried, not unattached. I have a job. I have no kids, just a few fur-babies. I am extremely thankful and blessed. I don’t want it to appear that I am complaining. I know I have it made in the shade. I just want something to feel long term. I just want to have a sense of clarity. I just want my opinions to matter. That’s all.
Do you have any reader advice for me? What do you do to get out of a muddle? Maybe I should blast some tunes and dance around the house? Well hey, at least I am not Courtney from The Bachelor. She’s gotta be having worse of a day today than me… just sayin’.
I hope my rambles haven’t brought you down. Thanks for listening to me vent. I will be back tomorrow with an awesome, and super cheap craft idea for you to make for the man in your life! 